You were everything

Neither of us were looking for anything more than friends but as I got to know you the love never ceased. As we got to know each other more you became my best friend. I wasn't hungry for one but you were the best friend someone like me could've ever asked for. I myself had dabbled in trying drugs but by the time I had met you, I was clean for quite a while prior. This lasted till you & your friend group invited me to a night out at a nightclub during the summer before most would leave to start university. We arrived stock with mdma which was distributed out to those partaking. More was brought to the club than necessary & the question was asked what to do with the extra. It was offered around to which I at first refused, then the suggestion came to throw it away. Before a decision was made as to what to do with the extra I agreed to partake. My best friend & members of the group were excited that I would join them though I was nervous given my abstinence from drugs for so long.

We got in without a problem & filtered into the toilet stalls to drop our doses. I flushed a substantial portion of what i'd been given away & chose to drop a smaller amount, this I hid from the group. It was a great & friendly night, though I didn't know anyone out the group they were kind & friendly towards me, which on mdma is to be expected. We danced, talked, smoked our cigs. I was pulled aside somewhere quiet by my best friend who wanted to talk to me. We hadn't spoken about moving our friendship forward anywhere further than where it was at but on this night, being high to all hell, we talked about it - asking ourselves that question. We both had underlying feelings for each other to which I avoided entertaining when he brought up as I couldn't condone his substance use. I never told him this was the reason though, I was scared. Scared to offend you. Scared I'd lose a friend. Scared I'd be alone. That logical reason I had given myself to avoid a romantic relationship with you though was stripped away from me that night as not only was I a high teenager not thinking straight, but I was also swimming in the same water of what I thought was so bad.

We came out of the conversation after kissing, holding hands & heading towards your friends. It was your first relationship & your friends were filled with joy, congratulating us both and giving us love & support. After a few hugs, handshakes & arm over shoulder conversations later we continue to enjoy the rest of the night. I never felt more loved in my life. You, your friends, our future. I thought we could do anything together. It was perfect. I had only forgotten that you were an addict, and my life for a moment was perfect.

We left more or less as the security was fitting up to kick people out to which I headed back to your place to pass out & rest. I woke up before you & after checking on you and leaving you a note I left. I had a lot to think about as I was sobering up on the way home.

We met up a maybe a week later as your friend was hosting a house party, a big portion of the same group was planning to take LSD whilst the others were around to 'babysit'. I opted to be on the babysitting side this time & stuck to it. When we got there the group in my best friend's absence came to talk to me a lil bit about my best friend's substance abuse & said they were going to hold an intervention. This went as poorly as imagined given we were all teenagers, half of which were planning on doing LSD straight after. The love & support though was something I had never seen to this degree, the important circumstances around it though just made it ineffective including my best friend's ignorance to his own substance abuse.

Fast forward & I was feeling very conflicted at this point. I loved him but I couldn't bear to see him throw his body, mind & life away to these cheap tricks. During that same summer in August we broke up, and I explained the typical 'it's just me' line. I made it a lil worse as I went back on it only to double down after on breaking up, confusing the matter further. Although thankfully at least it was done quickly within the space of a week, I tell myself that to feel less bad.

Shortly after that, I got a call from your friends who were concerned about your health. I rushed over to your place where you & your friends were already waiting for me to which I saw you stumbling around, almost incoherent. As far as we know you had taken some 'experimental' substance. This was a red flag for me & I saw you were inhaling an opiate, though stronger it would seem than your morphine use. We tend to you till we see some improvement to which we all decide to go knowing you're safe. You asked me to stay to which I agreed to drive one of your friends home first before silently returning. You only wanted to talk & comfort to which was offered as well as a small lecture to get clean. I headed back home & hoped this would be the worst it could get.

I get a call from your friend who tells me you've overdosed on H & are in critical condition. The guilt that filled my blood knowing only a weeks prior we went through the turmoil in our relationship & that on your substance abuse I wasn't honest & didn't put my foot down as your trusted friend. I was heartbroken. I was scared. It was late at night & I was driving at the time. All I could do was pull over & feel. Against seriously amazing odds you survived & recovered though painfully and in a psych ward given your dosage was a suicide one. You maintain the story that it was an accident & give a reasonable explanation to the events/ 'accident'. Fast forward over conflict within your family regarding the incident & you're in university. Your family had pleaded that you take the year off to recover & be with family for support, though you insisted you would be ok. I remember checking in with you every once while during uni, hearing your breakdowns/ pains from withdrawls both mental & physical. I watched as you relapsed back into submission of substances, wishing I could do something about it. I loved you, & although I never said it, it really broke my heart. I listened as you told me about the senseless sex & drug use you were getting into at uni. It killed to hear, I've always wished for the old you back. I remained & listened though, as your best friend.

A lil over a year later our story continues as I drive up during the night to see you at your uni accommodation. Wasn't the prettiest sight as the lines were already on the desk to which you had three friends, all of which on different levels of 'high'. We hung out & talked, your friends leaving early morning. To cut a long story short, it was apparent you were really in a negative place - desparate to get high particularly before going back home & on some substances that hold serious withdrawal symptoms. Although similarly to the event at the nightclub I refused to partake in anything myself, I gave in starting with mdma one night in to which my long streak of being clean was broke. I also made the same mistake in agreeing to enter into a romantic relationship with him that night. Felt the same conflicting feelings again once I sobered up however I kept this to myself & was willing to give it a better shot, being more honest this time & hopefully seeing us both maintain abstinence from any substances for good. But it was too late, I was already weakened. I partook in taking drugs on a couple occasions (only stimulants) however the mission was still on to get you off the dissociatives & the benzos you were on to get you home. It wasn't easy, his substance abuse was literally daily & quite heavy. I begged you not to keep taking drugs throughout my couple week long stay but it fell on deaf ears as you went about trying to convince me it's ok or outright ignoring me, sometimes trying to hide it. I honestly can't remember the last time I cried before I did after you wouldn't listen. I usually find it impossible to but seeing you throw your life away brought me to tears. On two occasions you had taken a variety of pills/ powder & ended up passing out in the shower till the water turned ice cold. Twice I had to rescue your freezing, unconscious body out of the water, fending off your roommates who only wanted to use the bathroom. I had to go to back to work before I could get you to agree to let me take you home where you would be safer. During this time getting a hold of you was difficult. Not knowing if you're even alive or not was difficult. After I deal with work & come back to pack your stuff we drive to mine to give you a safer/ quieter space to relax following your substance abuse & figure out what the next steps are. During this time you tell me you cheated on me. You said it was not you, you were ridiculously high & regretted it. Although I had great conflict over the relationship this really was a knife to the heart. I didn't react, choosing to do what I was doing with the rest of my conflict & left it on the side until the main issue was dealt with.

Before I took you home, your mom & best friend called me, we spoke a lot & I told them what you were doing. I think your mom liked me & though I don't think I gave her anything that would mean I was a concern or a drug user, she told me to not enter into anything serious with you. I know she didn't want you to go through emotional turmoil because of me & I felt the same way. I was already in too deep as we had more than spoke about a commitment at that point. Though awkward I helped to unpack your stuff into your house. I was glad to see you every so often when I did, though I feel you used me as a safe place to get your fix. You pulled me into a drug habit that I otherwise wouldn't have wanted to be in. I know why you did it. I just wish I was strong enough to stop us both.

I went into hospital a short while after, brain infection. It was scary, uncomfortable. You showed comfort to me & my family, and I'm grateful. Not long into my hospital stay though you show up high, sharing with my family that you've taken a ridiculous dose. It was obvious. I don't know why but you said it almost as if you were proud. That or you wanted some kind of other response out of it, I really don't understand it. For the rest of my stay you didn't come, our decision. I question how much you really contested though. When I got out I went to see you, still fresh being couped up in a hospital room & the effects from the infection. I didn't tell you I'd be out as even I didn't know. I turned up to your door where I saw you high on ket. I mean really high. I knew there & then I couldn't do this. You scared the hell out of me as you were so out of it, almost aggressive when I tried to leave. I even braced myself to fight you. I didn't want to say too much given how gone you were. I left it at that.

When you sobered up I told you over the phone I'd be away with family for a while as a form of recovery for my brain infection. I told you our commitment would be cut & that neither of us are in a state to commit to each other to the best of our abilities anytime soon. I know it wasn't the best delivered but we were both so messed up; what could we even get right at this point? At least any more negative events can be avoided between us by this point.

Over the course of when I've known you, I've seen you go through such dark & devastating times. A victim to yourself & the drugs. You were too smart for your own good. You really convinced yourself what you were doing was ok. You're so far from a reality that most others live in. You lost trust from people who would've really & I mean really gone to the end of the earth for you. You lost what you said was the only serious relationship you've ever wanted or even considered. I can't find anything to blame but the drugs. The vice they had you in, killed who you were long before anyone even noticed. I'm sorry. I love you. I still pray every day that you come back.